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Recently my daughter’s parents told me that they wanted to meet my family. Nick’s too, but his is much farther away. They then changed their minds. Not because of anything I said, but simply because they were concerned that my family would be heartbroken if they could not have an ongoing relationship after meeting them, and they want my daughter to be able to ultimately make the decision whether she meets them or not.
During the process of talking about the possibility, we had some miscommunications and apparently some of the things I’ve said in previous letters to them were also misinterpreted. I was able to clear those things up, but I said something during the process of clearing the misunderstandings that has really stuck with me.
I basically said that I tend to say things that I really don’t mean because I’m worried and extra cautious around them and the whole situation. That’s understandable in part because I’ve obviously never been in a situation like this before. But the extra caution I have because I’m worried that they’ll just suddenly choose to take my daughter and close off the adoption is not appropriate.
Yes, they could decide they want nothing more to do with Nick and me. But in theory, something like that could happen in ANY sort of relationship. Significant others (husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends) pick up and leave relationships all the time. Most of us in relationships don’t expect to be left. We expect our hearts to not be broken by the person we’ve chosen to be with. We trust them with our hearts.
I need to learn to do the same thing with T & C. I need to trust them with my whole heart. They’ve proven time and again by their actions that they have no intention of shutting either Nick or me out of their lives. So I will trust them. I won’t hold things back or worry all the time that things I’ll say might be misinterpreted. I know miscommunications will happen. They do in any relationship. But by worrying right now and being extra cautious about things I say, I know that I’m actually causing more misinterpretations and miscommunications than I would be if I just trust them with my thoughts and feelings. Obviously there are appropriate and inappropriate things to say in any situation. But I know that my internal filter will catch those things.
What about you? Have you realized that you perhaps have said things you don’t mean because you’re being cautious with your heart?
Yes, I have indeed, way back when I first placed, said some unkind things to the afamily--I held nothing back; I told them exactly how I felt. However, I let them know that my mind and heart don't always agree, and I would let them know that I knew the truth, despite my feelings. Thus I was able to share ALL my feelings--no matter how unflattering to them--yet cushion the blow with my logic. I think perhaps you should do the same. If logic doesn't really play a part in this early stage, I would simply write how you feel and why you feel it, and realize that you are just attempting to get things off your chest, trying your best not to be offensive, and your reasons for your emotional 'outbursts' (telling them you know you could be miscommuniting for whatever reason--blinded by emotions, being overly-cautious, etc.). This is my advice to you! Hope this helps! :)
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