Regrets

One question that I am asked most often by fellow birthmothers, expectant mothers considering adoption, and just about anyone who dares to ask it is if I regret my decision to place my son for adoption.

It seems like a simple yes or no answer, doesn’t it? But, for me at least, it’s a loaded question with a complex answer. I wish I had a simple yes or no but I don’t. I also think that the answer to that question is ever changing just as my feelings regarding adoption are ever changing.  If you had asked me that question when Charlie was one my answer would have been a solid no but now it’s much more complicated. The older Charlie gets and the more I learn about adoption seems to correlate with how my feelings regarding adoption change.

When I chose adoption for Charlie nine years ago, I thought I was doing the best thing for him at the time. I still know that I made the best decision that I could at that time in my life.  However, I do have some regrets. I regret not educating myself about adoption more. Some days, I regret not at least attempting to parent Charlie. And as silly as it may sound, I regret not giving Charlie a name of my own choosing. (I knew what the adoptive parents were intending to name him and just had that name, with my last name, put on his original birth certificate.)

But I do not regret getting pregnant with Charlie at all. Yes, I do regret the events and decisions that led up to my getting pregnant with him, but I don’t for a single second ever regret having that little boy in my life. Even with the pain involved with adoption, I’m still blessed to have him in my life.

There are some days that I feel like Charlie is exactly where he is supposed to be. Then there are other days that I’m regretful. Little did I know when I was pregnant with Charlie that by his second birthday I’d be married with a supportive husband and the means to provide for more children and by his fourth birthday his (adoptive) parents would be divorced.

But hindsight is twenty/twenty as they say. I didn’t know how my life would turn out. I only knew what was going on in my life at the time wasn’t conducive to parenting a second child. I know that I made the best decision I could at that point in my life and I don’t regret that.

I could sit here all day and say “what if….” or “I wish…” but that’s not very productive and it certainly will not change the past. So when I’m feeling regretful I try to reassure myself that I made the best decision that I could at that moment in time. I know what’s done is done and I can only try to heal from the past and move forward into the future.

How do you cope when you are feeling regretful?