Each time I am asked this question, I quickly have to make a decision as to how I am going to answer. For some who don’t tell many people they are a birthmother, the answer may always be the same. But for me, I quickly think on how I will answer.
If the person asking me this question is someone that I am not going to see on a regular basis (like a nosey lady in the checkout line at the supermarket) my answer will most likely be one, meaning the son I parent. Depending on my mood, there have been times when I have said two and explained about Charlie and his adoption, but when I go this route I have to be prepared to educate them about adoption or deal with comments.
But if the person is someone I am becoming friendly with, who will most likely find out some point, then I would go ahead and answer two and explain about Charlie and his adoption.
Sometimes when I answer this question and say just one child, I feel guilty. I feel like I am denying Charlie’s existence and my role as his (birth) mother. So over the years I have modified my answer to “one child at home.” By answering this way, I don’t feel like I am denying Charlie because truthfully there is only one child living in my home and that’s the son I parent.
So, how do you answer this question?
I never ask anyone this question! I have several friends that have had children die as infants and this question is extremely painful for them as well. I just wait for them to tell me!
ReplyDeleteI always have to think quickly and do what you describe. Just answer depending on the situation I'm in. Is it someone I care about, is it an in passing conversation, etc. I have a charm necklace with my "two" children's initials which means the child I placed isn't on it. That was my choice. But I recently saw a necklace that is a locket/nest with birds eggs, semiprecious stones, in it and I thought-wow-I can have 3 eggs without people even knowing what that meaning is for me. That way it is private but I still have my birth child there close to my heart too.
ReplyDeleteI always answer 3, which is how many I parent. I too have a mother's necklace that only contains the children I parent.
ReplyDeleteWhen ppl ask me that, I answer with 3 because I realized a long time ago that my Timothy stopped being "my" baby when I signed on the dotted line and handed him over. The people who matter in my life, family and good friends, are the only people I tell about Timothy. I don't feel the need to tell strangers about him. It's none of their business, and I don't want to go into educational detail. That said, my 8-yr-old daughter knows about him, and has told all her school friends that she has a half-brother. It used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore, because I realized that by feeling that way, I was saying (at least to myself) that I was ashamed of Timothy. So I quickly got over my discomfort. So now, I don't care who knows, but I don't feel the need to tell strangers and have to explain and educate...especially since most ppl will keep their opinions, whatever they may be, no matter what you say.
This post totally resounds with me. I have a mental tug-of-war with myself each time I have to answer this. I also have to think carefully about how I will deal with comments about pictures of my son that I have on my desk at work. I have a picture of us sitting on a bench both holding my daughter. Lots of people comment on it, and say things about how difficult it must be to have 2 kids. Sometimes I just nod and say "yea" and let them keep thinking both my kids are home. Sometimes I feel the need to clarify. I always feel out of sorts after I do that though. I dont like to not "claim" my son, but I also dont like how some people must leave feeling sad for me.
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